Really Honest Parenting Books

Everyone has one place or situation where they habitually have great conversations. For me and my family this is in the garage. Now, our garage is not a place for cars, but more of a second living room. My father refers to it as his "redneck garage" although I don't think I would categorize it in such a way. Our garage has carpeting and recliners as well as surround sound and an 50'' TV because my father definitely has an addiction to buying TVs (we have tried to stage an intervention but he refuses to admit he has a problem). So it is here that we all get together, have a few drinks and test theories in the Greek fashion.

If a theory could survive debate both sober and drunk it was considered to be truth

So last night we got onto the topic of parenting books and came up with a few choice titles for parenting books that we would like to write.

How to Not Raise a Douche-Bag

This was really where the conversation took off and it all started with wipe warmers. I believe children with wipe warmers are more likely to grow up to be douche-bags. Why? Because you are literally trying to add comfort and luxury to wiping your child's ass and the first time you have to change a diaper quickly in a grocery store restroom that child is going to scream bloody murder because the wipes are cold. Do your kid a favor and let them have a few parts of life that are not bubble wrapped. Kids who have wipe warmers are the same ones who have leather car seats and are just skewed from infancy towards being those kids you want to punch in the face.

They Will All Disappoint You at Some Point
This one came from my (loving) father. He was quick to clarify that they will also make you proud but he wants to write a book that prepares parents for the inevitable truth that at some point your child will disappoint you. It might not be a huge disappointment and it probably won't be something that you'll never be able to get over, but it will be something. For those of you who say your child could never disappoint you I warn you to prepare for one thought to pass through your head; "I didn't raise you to do that". No, you didn't raise them to do that and you may have tried to raise them not to but just like there are always mistakes in parenting, there are also always mistakes in childhood. 

They Will Not Be Like You

There is a reason why half of all "coming of age" stories involve a child standing up to their parents and yelling "I'm not you!". While they may possess your DNA, they are not going to be exactly like you. Your child is a small person and childhood and adolescence is a time for them to discover who they are. It's very difficult to figure out who you are when you have a parent trying to make sure that you are your father.

Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Reproduce 

This will actually become a guest post from my father at some point and a title that he says is only partially sarcastic. He sums this book up in the statement "You thought it was a great idea until it was too late".

Sleep is Overrated: Children are Worth It

If I had a dollar for every mom-blog post that tries to make sleep deprivation a funny topic I would never have to work another day in my life. Everyone knows that once you have kids sleep becomes a luxury that can't be afforded at most times, but those deliriously happy sleep deprived memories with your kids are worth it. Too much sleep just might mean you sleep through an amazing moment so drink another cup of coffee and go jump on the trampoline!

You Just Thought You Had This Figured Out

This book is for all my colleagues and friends in childcare. Just because you've taken care of other people's kids for years doesn't mean you will have any idea what you are doing when you have kids yourself. Almost every client I've ever had has made some sort of comment to the tune of "Kid's are gonna be so easy for you!" But for some reason my experience has been that the most abnormally difficult and complicated kids seem to be reserved for nannies.

Green Beans and Ketchup are a Parent's Best Friend

This is a title straight from my own childhood and is a story with a great lesson. When I was two there was a dinner where I had already eaten everything on my plate with the exception of the green beans. I was still hungry and wanted more food but refused to eat the green beans. My parents refused to give me more hamburger and mashed potatoes until I ate the green beans. Hours of standoff ensued until my aunt came over and started joking around with me. Apparently at this point I told her that I would eat the green beans if they had ketchup on them (I was a fairly articulate child). So she dutifully got the ketchup out and drowned the green beans which I proceeded to eat all of. To this day I have not eaten green beans again but that story was less about the green beans and more about a parent vs child battle of wills. In the end, we both won - I got my ketchup covered green beans (if you put enough ketchup on anything you can't taste it) and my parents got me to eat the green beans. The lesson here is more than one of compromise but also one of where the answer came from - they asked me.

They Won't Die: Let Them Wait til Breakfast

The fact that sending your kids to bed without dinner can be used as a punishment is certainly a first-world concept. There are kids all around the world who go to bed hungry every night. I'm not saying it's something you should make a habit of but when your kids refuse to eat what you have made there are few responses that will effectively convey your point as sending them to bed without anything at all. It will not kill them, they will have breakfast in the morning, but they're far more likely to eat what you make the following night. In my house there has never been any special meals or food made for the kids. When someone makes a meal for everyone, everyone eats it.

Parenting Tips from Raising a Dog

I can already feel the backlash from this one but there are a lot of similarities between dogs and small children. You train your dog to go outside and your kids to use a toilet. You have to train both of them to not put everything in their mouth. They both have a habit of peeing themselves when they get excited. There are way more similarities than you may think and a lot of lessons to learn too. One of my favorite lessons that works equally well for children and dogs is stick it in a piece of cheese and give it to them.

Someone Has to Lose
This book conveys a lesson for both kids and parents. Parenting sometimes feels like a series of small battles between yourself and your child. While it is certainly true that in order to learn respect and obedience your kids have to lose a lot of those battles, it is just as true that sometimes the parents are going to lose. Kids can be unbelievably stubborn and tend to get more so the longer the standoff goes. When you lose it doesn't have to be obvious, but in some situations it is better to quietly take the loss and move onto something else rather than drag it out. For your kids this is a concept that isn't learned as much today. In order for someone to win - someone has to lose. A kid who always gets a trophy even if he's the lowest scoring player on the team can't experience the pride of winning if he's never experienced the disappointment of loss. This doesn't mean that you should make your kids feel bad for losing, but it does mean that you should let it happen because in the real world there are winners and losers and shielding your child from this reality is not helping anyone.

So what about you? If you were to write a parenting book what would the title be?